Forgiveness Part Two: Choosing to Forgive.
Written by Kevin Klassen MC, RCC
Written by Kevin Klassen MC, RCC
Welcome back! If you recall, last time we talked a little about unforgiveness being a predictable process involving 5 factors – the transgression, perceived offense and feeling hurt, “hot” emotions of anger and fear, rumination, and ultimately unforgiveness. Click here to access that article.
This month, we’ll pick up where we left off and focus on the act of forgiveness. And as I mentioned last time, I will focus primarily on some of the research coming from the field of counselling psychology (even though there are other helpful ways to explore the topic – philosophical, theological, etc). Also, I need to forewarn you that this article is a little longer than the last. I hope you can enjoy a cup of coffee or tea to keep you company as you proceed.
Everett L. Worthington, a well-respected researcher in the field, states that there are two main aspects of forgiveness – decisional and emotional. In decisional forgiveness, one agrees to control their negative behaviour (such as avoidance or revenge) towards their transgressor as well as attempts to restore the relationship to where it was prior to the offense. For example, a friend may say, “I forgot your birthday. Can you forgive me?” To which you might reply, “Absolutely.” Even though you might feel hurt or disappointed, you quickly assure your friend that all is okay and that you do not intend to hold a grudge. Yet, you also know that your hurt feelings will take awhile to heal. There seems to be a distance sometimes between the head and heart.
The second aspect of forgiveness is emotional replacement. This is the forgiveness that changes the heart and can be thought of as the intentional experiencing of positive emotions (such as empathy, sympathy, compassion, agape love, or even romantic love) against the hot emotions of anger and fear or the unforgiveness that follows ruminating about the transgression. This juxtaposition of positive emotions with negative ones reduces the intensity of negative emotions and, over time, can eliminate them completely.
It’s worthwhile to highlight that this emotional ‘replacement’ does not mean that hurtful memories are completely forgotten, which is rarely the case. Rather, while the hurt may remain, it becomes associated with more positive emotions. Put differently, the forgiveness emotions attach to the transgression memory in a manner that makes it difficult to experience unforgiveness in the same way as before.
It’s also important to stress that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, which involves reestablishing trust in a relationship after trust has been violated. In fact, reconciliation is only recommended if it is safe and prudent to do so.
While the reasons why someone might choose to forgive are many (e.g., moral imperative, religious mandate, spiritual health, etc), it is essential to realize that healing forgiveness will not occur until emotions change, which is why decisional forgiveness is usually only the starting place.
Having looked at some of what forgiveness entails, let’s look now at how to make it happen. Here, Worthington provides some helpful guidance with a 5-step process (the acronym REACH).
Figure 1.1. Adapted from Everett Worthington’s Forgiveness and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. 2003.
Recall the hurt (R). We often deny or avoid our hurt feelings by becoming reactive, getting critical, distracting ourselves, or minimizing our emotions. To heal, one needs to recall the hurt as objectively as possible without ruminating on the offense or railing against the offender. It is normal, yet not the most helpful, to recall events that support how we think or feel about the offense (usually hurt, anger, or even resentment). Worthington gives this example:
If I am unforgiving toward Mack, I will tend to remember what Mack did to
hurt me. His insults are at the edge of my consciousness. I’ll forget what I did
to provoke Mack. I’ll remember my pain and unjust suffering. I’ll forget my
gossip about Mack and how it hurt his reputation. I’ll remember his anger. I’ll
forget his contrition.
Please understand that there are situations, such as abuse, when someone is an innocent victim and should not try to give the benefit of the doubt to their offender. More often than not, however, events that lead to unforgiveness have more than one side to them.
While recalling, it is also critical to identify as precisely as possible the emotions accompanying the memory. For example,instead of saying “I was upset,” which is too general to be helpful, something like, “I was puzzled and hurt at first, but then I got angry as the misunderstanding continued until I was furious” is more beneficial.
To start the recall process, first take deep, slow breaths to keep yourself calm. Remembering the hurt might be difficult, since our mind often protects us by shutting out negative memories. If this is too painful to do, or if the feelings become unmanageable, stop thinking about the event and do something active. You may want to seek professional help in this process as well.
Worthington also states that to vividly imagine the offense from the point of view of the offender is vital to forgiving. Again, this may be very difficult to do and might be best accomplished in the presence of a counsellor or pastor.
Empathize (E). According to Worthington, the kind of empathy that facilitates forgiveness the most is when the hurt individual can develop and experience compassion for the offender. He provides the example of a young man who felt emotionally abandoned by his father throughout his life. During a counselling session, the therapist pulled up an empty chair and had the man imagine his father sitting there. During this process, the man began to experience a lot of anger and resentment towards his father. Then, the therapist had him change chairs and imagine being his father and contemplate how he might feel after hearing his son’s deep pain. The man imagined his father being incredibly remorseful about how he acted towards his son. He also felt his father’s own sense of disappointment and failure for not feeling adequate to meet his son’s needs. After this, the man was invited to go back to his own chair and respond again to his father. This time, his anger and bitterness shifted. He felt compassion towards his dad and realized that he needed to address this relationship as an adult not as the 10 year old who was still struggling with anger. This process enabled him to feel differently – empathy and compassion – about his father.
There are other ways to experience empathy other than using an empty chair, but the idea is similar. Put yourself into the shoes of the other; try to feel with them as objectively as possible; and then see what happens to your own feelings and thoughts. Remember, this process may take time. You may have to empathize a number of times before you really notice your heart changing.
Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness (A): Even if you have empathized with the offender, it can sometimes still be difficult to extend forgiveness. In these situations, Worthington suggests that the offended recall an incident where they did something they knew ahead of time was wrong, yet the person whom they wronged forgave them as a gift – no strings attached. This usually evokes feelings of gratitude, which can be used to help offer a gift of forgiveness to the person who has hurt you. It is altruistic because you are giving this gift for the benefit of the other.
Some faith traditions incorporate the gift of forgiveness into their fabric. If you are a person of faith, you may want to use those elements for guidance in your forgiveness process.
If, after this, you are still struggling to forgive, it may be worthwhile to seriously consider what the barriers are to forgiving fully. Are you looking for a full apology? Restitution? To see the offender humiliated? Sometimes an honest appraisal of these barriers can help you overcome them.
Commit Publicly to Forgive (C). After you have forgiven someone, it is quite possible that you may experience doubt about whether you have actually forgiven. Often, one still feels hurt over the offense and thinks that must mean they have not extended forgiveness. Yet, according to Worthington, “forgiveness does not replace hurtful memories; it replaces the negative emotions attached to those memories.” Knowing that the hurtful memories might be around for a while, you can increase your confidence that you have forgiven even when your feelings are not so certain.
By committing publicly to forgive, you are saying that, even though you may still struggle with hurt, you are confident that you are on the process towards forgiveness. This might include your refusing to criticize the offender anymore, or intentionally describing the positive that you see in this person.
Other practical ways to forgive publicly include writing a certificate of forgiveness that you display in an area that you will see. Or, you may prefer to symbolize your forgiveness in a letter that you then burn and scatter the ashes. Others may choose to express their forgiveness in a letter written and mailed to the offender. Still others might prefer to say it out loud to another individual or to God.
Hold on to Forgiveness (H). The last step in Worthington’s model is to hold on to the forgiveness that you have extended. If you have ever been deeply offended, you know this isn’t always easy. The mind is easily reminded of these pains. Yet, it is not impossible. Worthington’s primary suggestion (and it seems like a valuable one) when one is struggling to hold on to forgiveness is to go back over the previous steps that you have taken, not to dwell on negative emotions, and to remind yourself that a remembered hurt is not the same as unforgiveness. You may want to confide in a trustworthy person who can also remind you of how you have actually forgiven. Don’t allow your struggle in the moment to define the work you have already done!
Well. Thanks for staying with me through this article. I know it was a bit lengthy, but hopefully worth your time. If you have questions or feel you need some professional help to process your unforgiveness, please feel free to contact me.
Stay tuned for next time as we explore the process of reconciliation.