Thanks again for joining me for the last installment in our series on Forgiveness. Having looked at the predictable pattern that unforgiveness follows (click here to access that article) as well as the process of actually forgiving someone (click here to read that article), we now turn our attention to the act of reconciliation.
Thus far, I have gleaned from the work of Everett L. Worthington to help guide our discussion. Dr. Worthington is a clinical psychologist and research chair at Virginia Commonwealth University. He has also made significant contributions to the research literature on the topic of forgiveness and is seen by many as one of the leading experts in the field.
When most people think of reconciliation they envision a process of rebuilding relationship with a person(s) who has wronged them or whom they have wronged. And, while forgiveness is in many ways an internal process, where one replaces negative emotions and then offers forgiveness as a gift, reconciliation is interpersonal, and is earned rather than granted.
It is also important to realize that it is possible to forgive someone but still choose not to reconcile with them. For instance, you may forgive a loved one how hurt you when he/she was alive, but now that they have passed away, and are unable to reconcile. Or, you may forgive a person who has deeply wounded you, but choose not to reconcile because it is unsafe to do so.
One of the key reasons why reconciliation is important is that people are designed to be in relation to other people. Daniel Siegel, a leading psychiatrist in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, has contributed a significant body of literature demonstrating that relationships significantly contribute to personal health and wellbeing. And when we experience a disruption of relationship, our wellbeing is threatened.
How do we then move from hurt and alienation towards reconciliation? Well, there seems to be a few necessary steps that each party needs to take.
First, people have to make a mutual decision to face each other and reconcile differences. While this may seem obvious, reconciliation cannot occur if only one member of the party is willing. Also, the decision must include how and when to reconcile. Factors such as agreeing to stop hostilities, being positive to each other, and possibly inviting a third party into the discussion are all important to consider. Also, realizing that reconciliation is a process that takes time in order to rebuild mutual trust is important.
Sometimes, people have been too hurt to be willing to restore a relationship. Or, the estimated benefits of reconciliation might appear to be less than the costs. A popular expression suggests that change only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain that might come from changing. It could be that the pain of not reconciling is simply not great enough to motivate to change.
It should also be mentioned that, not only may reconciliation not be possible – such as when the person who committed the offense is dead – but also it may not be prudent. For instance, reconciling with someone who has abused you may be risky. In such cases, it is essential that the perpetrator has demonstrated over a period of time that he or she has changed and is not going to abuse again.
Second, constructive discussion about the hurt and the need to overcome differences needs to take place. If reconciliation is going to occur, each party has to take a soft attitude to the table and empathize with the other party’s hurt.
The difficulty is that it is very common for both parties to feel like victims, where the other is to blame. Both “victims” usually believe that they perceive the events correctly. Yet, research has shown that both are usually equally wrong in their perceptions because they have unintentionally distorted their memories in self-serving ways. In fact, that ability to be humble – understanding that you might not be as right as you think you are – is critical in reconciliation.
Another key antidote to blame is to empathize with the other person. If you can put yourself into their shoes and feel what they may have felt, you are much more likely to desire to hear their concerns and be able to voice your own, as well as work to reconcile.
It is also essential that you resolve to examine your own part in the hurt before you discuss it. If you can empathize with how the other party may have perceived your actions, through humility, you can also acknowledge your wrongdoing in an authentic way. Remember, there are always two sides.
Worthington provides four options that people choose from when being confronted with a transgression. 1. Denial: The person says, “you hurt me.” You respond, “I didn’t,” or, “you shouldn’t have been hurt by that.” 2. Justify: when you admit that the action was wrong, but, due to circumstances, you were morally allowed to do it. “Anyone would have done what I did!” 3. Excuses: “it’s not my fault. I insulted you because I’ve been so stressed out!” 4. Confession: this is what works. You confess a wrongdoing and concede that you did wrong.
Last, each party has to be committed to working on reconciliation until both feel the issue is satisfactorily resolved. Minor transgressions are, in many ways, easier to move on from. But some issues take a long time to heal. A while ago, I worked with a young couple where there had been infidelity. The betrayed partner was deeply wounded and not able to ‘just get over it,’ which caused great stress to other partner who wanted to move on. A significant portion of the therapy entailed helping the ‘betrayer’ manage her own anxiety while her partner worked through his hurt and disappointment. So, while they were committed to reconciliation, it took considerable time for each to feel comfortable and confidant in the relationship again.
Similarly, give yourself and each other permission to not rush through the pain as you reconcile. There can be significant personal and relational growth if you will remain humble and empathize with each other.
Well, thanks for taking the time to read this short article. While there is much more that could be said about forgiveness and reconciliation, I hope that this has been somewhat helpful to you. As always, if you need additional support in your journey please contact our office.
Kevin Klassen, MC
Registered Clinical Counsellor