Written by Kevin Klassen MC, RCC
A wife finds out her husband has been unfaithful and is completely overwhelmed and becoming bitter... A young teenager is picked on continually in school and is starting to feel rage towards his aggressors... A man discovers that his sister was abused by their father and feels betrayed and angry. What do all of these sad stories have in common? Each of these individuals is likely struggling with issues of forgiveness.
A wife finds out her husband has been unfaithful and is completely overwhelmed and becoming bitter... A young teenager is picked on continually in school and is starting to feel rage towards his aggressors... A man discovers that his sister was abused by their father and feels betrayed and angry. What do all of these sad stories have in common? Each of these individuals is likely struggling with issues of forgiveness.
When I considered what the theme should be for this month’s article, I immediately started thinking about a number of clients I have seen recently who have been struggling with the issue of feeling betrayed or hurt for one reason or another and not knowing how to move beyond that. So, it seemed timely to explore the topic of forgiveness in this newsletter.
Some of you might be thinking, “Why talk about forgiveness?” or “Isn’t forgiveness more of a religious act than anything else?” There is no doubt that most, if not all, religious traditions emphasize the importance of forgiveness. Yet, I would argue that to feel offended or transgressed against is not unique to people of a given faith, but rather is a universal experience. And, since maintaining an attitude of unforgiveness is unhealthy on many levels, including the psychological and spiritual, it should not be left to religion alone to deal with.
Perhaps others of you already believe that forgiveness is important but struggle to know how to actually do it, especially if you have been really hurt. These next couple of articles will address that as well by giving some practical guidance that will hopefully prove helpful.
But before we look at forgiveness, we actually need to know a little bit about unforgiveness and how it works. And while there are a number of ways to explore and understand unforgiveness, including religious and philosophical approaches, I want to focus primarily on what some research in the field of counselling and psychology has shown.
When one thinks about unforgiveness, it is common to imagine scenes like the one below where an individual who has been offended adopts a “forget you” attitude as a way to protect against future hurt.
Everett L. Worthington, a well-respected researcher and psychologist in the field, has written quite extensively on the topic of forgiveness. His work has shown that unforgiveness is a negative emotional experience involving resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear, which our brain labels “unforgiveness.” He has also shown that unforgiveness is not an immediate reaction to a transgression but rather follows a predictable pattern that ends in unforgiveness (see below):
Figure 1.1. Adapted from Everett Worthington’s Forgiveness and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. 2003.
According to this model, a transgression is perceived as a hurt or offense, which further triggers fear (of being hurt again) and anger. What is really important here is that fear and anger, which are very quick responses, are not unforgiveness! Instead, rumination – repeatedly reflecting on what has hurt us – changes fear and anger into the delayed emotion of unforgiveness.
If unforgiveness is an emotional response – the byproduct of rumination – then why do people act differently or even aggressively when they’re “unforgiving?” Well, as it turns out, most people do not like to experience these negative emotions and become very motivated to get rid of or avoid them. To do so, they will often minimize their feelings (an “everything’s fine” or “let’s just put it behind us” attitude), distract themselves (might include spending more hours at the office, more time watching TV, or even becoming fixated with housework or renovations), or become very reactive to other people (a “what’s your problem?” or “just leave me alone” mentality) as a way to feel better.
I’m not suggesting that one should never feel wronged by a transgression - there are many times that people are genuinely transgressed against. And it can be very appropriate to seek justice or even to cease being in a relationship if it is abusive or unsafe. Yet, even in these cases, it is important to know that one does not need to continue on the path to unforgiveness. In other words, you do not have be unforgiving in order to ‘right the wrong.’
So, if unforgiveness is not necessary or helpful, what are some practical ways to stop it from taking hold of your life? For many, it can be very helpful to start telling a different story about the transgression or transgressor. “He was just under stress” might excuse the transgression, or “I was rude to her, so I understand why she reacted to me that way” might justify it. Note that it is not appropriate to excuse offenses such as abuse or neglect (which may further perpetuate these offenses), nor is it wise to minimize transgressions that require justice. But, for many perceived offenses, using this approach will offset the “hot” emotions of fear and anger with understanding and even compassion.
Another approach is to acknowledge and even allow ourselves to experience the hurt rather than quickly switching to anger or fear. Many people choose to share this pain with a trusted friend, a pastor, or even to the transgressor if it is appropriate and safe. Doing this can significantly reduce or even eliminate anger and fear, which are two necessary ingredients to unforgiveness.
Perhaps you’re reading this and saying, “yes, but what if I’m already mired in the depths of rumination, what should I do?” While this will be addressed more fully next time, for now, I would suggest becoming aware of how often you actually ruminate about the offense, what the ruminations consist of – the content – and attempt to reduce how often you allow yourself to ruminate. One way to help is to intentionally write about the impact of the offense (not just the offense itself) and then to remind yourself that you don’t need to continue to think about it. It doesn’t help.
Well, that’s it for now. Stay tuned though. Next time we will take a closer look at what it means to actually forgive someone. And if you feel like you are stuck and need some help, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Thanks for reading!
Kevin Klassen MC
Registered Clinical Counsellor